I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
