Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
