That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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