Just fell off a train. Bad.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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