My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
