And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
