so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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