I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
