??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
