so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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