I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
