I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
