At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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