I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
