I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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