you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
