So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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