tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
