I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
