uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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