My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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