the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
