This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
