btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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