Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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