No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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