I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
