she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
