I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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