...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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