Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
