I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
