Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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