those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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