I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
