Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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