Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
