Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
