I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
lol hangovers are for mortals.