the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?