I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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