cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
