When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
