return my video game
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
