Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
