Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
