I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
