So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I think I just sharted jello shots
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