Apparently you make a good broom.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
