Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
