Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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