I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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