I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
