Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
