I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
