I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
