So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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