Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
