I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
